A year, infact everyday has its own decked up projects. Each one of these, become a way for you to wake up and run down the same pot hole. It’s just when you have a day off and you feel your room needs to look good. Cleaning all the way, moving around your favourite book rack; you realise that the sun moves around the windows. It changes its course while the rays fall on your bed in the same manner as it does everyday. Although, today while your eyes didn’t take off the little slide through the rusty window chains, you also know that there’s more. It’s good to focus, as said.
I decided, tomorrow I would wake up early just to feel my room a bit differently. In a sense that when my foot touches the ground, I would be blank because the only time I used to wake was when my mother called me out from the living room. Letting me know that it’s already late. Yet, the sloth soul of mine isn’t ready to see the imitations on the mirror because it was too real. As real, as the sunshine was that day.
It’s a small story to fit in. Somedays, you just feel the joy in the rays because that is what provides you your own invisible string to pull on. I wonder, how can just a small shadow or reflection on my bed sheets, make me click me a thousand pictures. In fact, now, I might get the slightest of meaning behind, “A thousand splendid suns.” It hugged me when I couldn’t cry, for it wanted me to remember that days are there for you to shine. Just, when the night crawls in with its nostalgic behaviour, the sunrays manage to become your best friend for wherever you go, it follows.
It whispers like there’s something unsaid. It pours down the peace and hatred just as much is required. Only, the day I woke up early and saw the colours changing, I realised that it was not something that everyone noticed. Even, the 8AM rays of hope was not less than the 3 PM course of heated burning shines. Sunshine just as it is, saved me from the unexpected Kolkata winter. I heard it was extreme this time. Yet, how did the rays know to comfort me when there was no one around.
It’s not just about the night and it’s unsung journals. It is also about the fair shares of small yellow peeks through the curtain calls. A lot more than what the four walls in my room could ever make up for. If you sit with your daily cup of coffee, you would even realise that there’s more to the regular rants. The ones which always followed your everyday schedule because afterall, it’s too much of a wreck if the sun is above your head. Isn’t it?
Among the chaos of trying again, falling down and getting up each day. The raw peeks of yellow shine through the window, seemed more peaceful than the human interactions. At least because I’d know that it will come back again tomorrow. For I can close my eyes and feel it when the most required soul left the door. Among, the loneliness yet again, the same sunshine becomes my ray of hope everyday. Even when it’s till the time, before darkness takes over. Just wish that it never leaves, for now, there is merely a strong pillar to hold your tears.
Every time, feelings don’t come to you. It did not to me either. It was around January 3rd when he texted me saying, “Your profile seems aesthetic, can we date?”The stranger did not know that when he texted me asking the very wanted question, I was crying my heart out because yet again I was broken. You know there is a certain kind of peace when you pen something down, registering yourself into the moment. The same happened with me. Rather it still does when I write my journal here.
He did not have any idea of the time when he decided to enter into my life. Maybe while I was running back and forth the missed calls and help from my best friend and closed ones, somewhere him not knowing a lot of things provided a sense of weird comfort. At least not knowing, just by a profile a person wishes to know you more or maybe that is what I felt it meant. After all, being hopeful and clear, filled with expectations that this time it won’t hurt because what can be worse than what just happened right? As long as I wish to mention his name here, I wonder the bad turn it might take because he might not understand why I am writing all about him, middle of the dawn. Ranting, crying and playing the most favourite song of mine.
“aur haa boldu toh?”
It was very difficult for me to put up a normal face, smile and carry on with my daily life. Among all of those, HE became my space to rest. To be at the halt even if it’s for a minute. I forgot that among the chaos I had to keep my mind clear. But, I didn’t. Risks should be taken right? Right. I don’t really have much faith in that statement. Although, all I did for 7 months was to rely on hope and to know someone. Even if it was just once in 3 days or once in a day. I waited. I was there, probably because that is what I expected him to do. If not him, I can be there. As easy as it sounds, it’s that painful. I knew it was painful when I had tears for a person I barely know. For someone, who didn’t deserve a panic attack for everything he did.
Why is he my muse then? My friend once asked me, “Did you love him?” I don’t know what I actually felt for him. But a hope was there. He was a different person, and he might have his choices. Will it be too difficult for me to go against it and start thinking about a casual bonding over time, just like he thought about me. It is not too difficult to be real. Maybe, to try to be one? After everything I went through last year, I didn’t have any such expectations for anyone to treat me right. But you know the feeling where you just can’t stop being nice because you don’t want them to get the ruins. Like I did. How could I have behaved the same way as he did?
All throughout the months we never met and had only chats running through the personal window, I had an idea to which way this was going. I never wanted to believe that though. I don’t know if anyone else ever thought this about you but I believed you to be a better person than what you showed. Then what you ever could discover. Maybe, I should have stopped but more than being friends or just strangers sometimes those chats and closeness let you see what they can’t see. To answer my friend’s question, I came back to her and said, “You know because of what I earlier faced, I longed for something subtle. Something which would be just peace. Even if it won’t stay or it is not permanent. I wanted to love the person he was, I wanted to be enough for someone at least for once. ”
I never got the space to love him more. Whenever I tried talking more, he ghosted. After a couple of times, it started hurting. It’s different and beautiful at the same time. Probably only because I am a writer, I could restrict myself from sending those instincts I had penned down in my notes. The funny thing is when we chatted for one last time, you told me “You should have just stopped talking to me. Why didn’t you?” I can’t ever explain the pain you gave me that time. I can’t. If only you had an idea of who I was, you never would have told that. But, it was just me making an effort to just let it be as it was and know you as a person. Not you.
Lyrics: “तुम हो, पास मेरे, साथ मेरे, हो तुम यूं”
Probably that was the reason that I broke down in front of you. I made a fool out of myself. More because this never happened with anyone else where my life has just been broken for a long time now. You did not need to care for what happened after that or before. But, maybe after sharing every bit of detail to what exactly can hurt me and break me again. I never thought of getting the same from you. When I did, engulfing it was impossible. I didn’t feel like I was a human being. I felt like I was being used as a personal diary or another count in your number of dates in the 20’s. That hurts.
D, if you ever want to be a better person, just know that you can. You will if you make it your choice. Giving up is easy but trying is not impossible. I still think you are a good person but somehow ending up in the loop of being cool and not accepting yourself is what drives you away from what you deserve. Maybe, I loved you. But, all of this coming from you affected me in a way I never expected. Sometimes you don’t have to be lovers. I think I had enough smiles and eye contacts to say that even if I want to hate you, I can’t. But, just expect you to take that chance and text. Go ahead and let it happen, not being so careless for once.
You never understood me, even when you said ‘I understand. ’ You hurt me the most when you said ‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’ For me? I don’t have anything else to say to you because maybe I just handed myself over to you and the time when I was the weakest. Today, staying connected to you on social media still bothers me. Somehow I am in this dilemma of going away from this contact because you don’t care and still facing it because you don’t care. It didn’t sound easy right? It isn’t. I don’t wish this upon anyone but it’s cruel to let someone write it in a blog than the person. Even when they exist.
You are my muse, and maybe writing about you while you don’t know about it would help me come out of the suffering. But, is it that easy? A no again. D, you’re a king. As much as I wanted to be there for you, you didn’t let me. Probably someone else is to be there and I have no problem but when you didn’t have any right to be there for me as well, why did you break me into pieces which I can’t put back together. When you are my muse today, it still feels blank. It’s 4:24 A.M and it’s still all pointless. You never learned to be there because being there isn’t asking, if I’m okay just for a day.
They said , when he knows what might finish you and still decides to do that, it’s not to be forgiven. I am not a person who would forgive easily or forget. Maybe that is the reason for most of my pain but somehow remembering everything makes you numb. This numbness is an addiction for me. I won’t be able to open up again. To any stranger who might text me with good intentions and I am helpless. I don’t know how you are but I hope you find your best interests in being a good stranger in someone’s life.
I check your name a thousand times, only for me to keep you there when you don’t want to be there. Rather, I have no idea what you actually want. Anyway, probably sinking into the favourite lyrics, made me turn you into a muse. I hope in eternity, you will respect that. For more pain shall be penned even when it’s a new year.
A little sunshine doesn’t add up to the permanent day of brightness. Maybe, this time my life is one. I still don’t know, how to put everything together. It has all been that heavy, for me to burst out crying every now and then. If that is what you call to give time to yourself? At least a thousand times, in a thousand different ways, I was being suggested to ‘cry my heart out’, because that helps. Maybe, it helped a lot more people like me. But, never really did to me. You know, that is the saddest part of owning yourself, where owning doesn’t feel the same as it used to earlier.
I kept on losing myself for a long time now. One day when I lost the most beautiful person of my life in a place where I realised, I didn’t talk to her for one last time. She was all. She was my grandma. When that happened, I experienced what being broken within seconds feels like. I had no words to describe the numbness and the pain all twisted with the cries that were shouting within but couldn’t come out of my chest. I thought at that point, only the person I love would be there. But, when do expectations work? If it did for you, I am happy because it never did for me. Being hopeful didn’t bring me any new glance of hope.
I was shattered into a million pieces, only to come up together with a lot of scratches which would never heal. Sometimes, you know that you don’t have any option to give up because you are too fucked up for that. Giving up on life might not be an option for you. For me. My mother was the only thing I held on. It was the same yesterday, it is the same today. It will be the same tomorrow. Blogging is the only way out for me in life. Humans don’t seem to understand the 4 AM silence and tears. Day by day it is increasing. For one and a half years I was shattered by the unknown, suffering because of someone doing nothing but caring and pouring in effort. Coming out of it brought a new person in front.
However, being real and strong, unfiltered left me with a bunch of accusations. For three years now, I have been holding on to the grudge of being honest and deep. The end of the 9th month was nothing but misery for me. You see, it takes time for you to come out of a ‘trauma’ handling everything and putting up a face. I did not have access to therapy because you will say, ‘get professional help’. But how much can I let go and learn to let go? I lost myself in the process. Once, when all of this comes crashing down, there is no way out than accept that you need help. I told my mom about what was going on because I tried killing myself but couldn’t. This time, was the last time I could have let her know what was going on. I did. But, maybe death is the ultimate thing that shakes you up, until there’s no value for what you feel.
The start of 2023 was not good. I had to put up a face that was never happy in the last 3 years. Reason being, that nobody apart from yourself would understand the why! You know the funniest part? You seem to be hopeful yet again. You deny recognising the same actions because you think now, this time, you can change things for yourself. But, there I was shattered again. The last bit of what was keeping me updated of life and everyday pain, was gone. It’s all that’s gone, for I don’t have anything to hold on to. Then why am I still breathing for the unknown. Why am I again waiting for this cycle to repeat and snatch me from myself.
“Lightning doesn’t often struck twice, it’s a once in a lifetime thing, even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually, the pain will go away, the shock will wear off and you start to feel yourself to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favour. If you’re in just the right place in just the right time, you can take a hell of a hit. And still have a shot at surviving. ”
Quest for what? Certainly, we all do have a few things going on in our minds. Always. Sometimes, we do confront what’s there and sometimes we just decide to not face the whole working of your mind construction. Although, it is a wrecked construction site ; it feels like one in one way or the other. So, the quest for what exactly?
‘How many more?’
So far, I’ve understood the working of human minds in such a way that it somehow becomes more personal and perceptive but again, a more global exposure of what the other dozen of people think. Maybe, they do have a similar opinion on this topic, as me. Now, for me, the quest begins on understanding. Understanding and the act of understanding are different yet interrelated to the same branch of figuring out things which seem impossible to be figured out. Doesn’t make much sense here, for you might just keep pointing out at the quest. The quest here, is exactly based on the act of understanding.
This goes on and on for there is something that keeps bothering you. Maybe, at the end of the day, you crave for it. For the understanding of why you are the way you are. But, then, do they know the ‘why?’ It kills me to go through the process over and over again because how much more? Adulting should not be difficult. It can be different, right? Yet, even if you make so many wishes for that one understanding, it does not seem to be choosing you so much. Is there any fault of mine to think, if this quest even wants me enough on board with it!
Penning down what you feel is more like the sunset on a cloudy day. You wait for 10 minutes, when the sky will all be clear and there you are glancing at the empty canvas and watching it take over a million reasons to be so beautiful. Isn’t your life the same? At least I think so. Last year, there was a man whom I thought was the one for me. I thought maybe now I got a friend who would understand the way I am. The way I prefer to be. But, eventually, all of those expectations seemed to vanish because a question arose from all the moments of light, “Why are you this way? You don’t have to be like this.” Accepting it was skeptical because I never knew what to do with that statement. After all, how can someone I met just months ago, question me for who I am! No. This was not something I wanted for this quest of mine.
Me? Me.
It remains this way for a long time. Rather, that it will remain the same for a long term. If you ask me what this means, I would describe it to be an ever changing temporary season, which has its own beauty. It brings about the changes, the allegations, the question, the tears, the urge to pen it down and the will to give up. There cannot be a single person who can understand you, except you. People, your friends, your best friend and the closest one in your work place or college, are all mere characters for your self-understanding.
Everyone knows a different version of you. You are different when you are at a cafe, you are different when you are at home, you are again different when you meet your school friends and you are definitely different when you meet your best friend. Each of them understands you for yourself. But, at the end of the day, maybe you will never be getting that attention over your rawness. After all, does anyone ever really try reading you anyway? I guess, you are used to moulding yourself, based on what they would want you to be for them. This quest never ends.
Years back when I was just about to be 15, the one thing which kept me awake all night was the thought of looking into the mirror. It wasn’t because I admired myself like I never required anyone to make me their muse, but because I thought of what the other 15 year olds did. A smile, the obsession with keeping the hair perfect and a light perfume which my mom used to wear. I really thought that was the best thing I could ever get! Excitement through the summer days, sleeping away exactly when I needed to be awake and dreaming about the time when I will find someone. Eventually, life happened to me. Now I am 21.
To be with you, is to find myself in a new way.
A lot of ‘me’ are twenty-one tuning into a regular Taylor Swift song for the drive to wake us up the next hour and push the last bit to keep going. The amount of smiles on our faces seems to have been visiting just when the over hyped cinema is on the screen. I never thought about how within a span of five years, this already planned life of mine would seem so lost. Now, I love roaming around random unknown streets in the middle of the city. Google doesn’t help me much but the strangers do. If it is one good afternoon full of breeze and the clouds taking over the sun, then that is probably the best I could ever wish for. Once, maybe for once, I’d be with someone who would be the same clueless person, as I am. Roaming around these almost known paths till we get muscle cramps because after all, holding onto you this way seems peaceful.
I was told to change the ending. It wasn’t some random important person but me who spoke to myself. Sometime in the mid evening, I felt like changing the course of events. Afterall, why would anything decide how a little soul should walk around smiling? But, even if there was so much to say, it never worked more than ‘we’ll be okay.’
28 March, 2022( The door) : Sometimes, what you don’t expect knocks on the door unexpectedly. It does not come invited but when it steps in, all you feel is that filled heart which says, ‘Yes! You did deserve something good too. Why did you spend all those nights crying so much that you couldn’t breathe? Are you happy now? Anyway answering that is still not the first priority you have, because for the first time in a long run, you got that face full of smiles back because ‘someone special’ might have just stepped into your life. Maybe a text over messenger, which you did not quite use but only fortunately replied to that one text, made you all hopeful again. You did not think you would keep replying to someone after ghosting everyone who wanted you. Did you?
29 March – 6 May, 2022 ( When I was on cloud nine) : All the while, there is that one hesitation that keeps warning you. There’s never something right or rather right is not something you can ever face properly. You expect to be comforted by the peace, the silence, more than humans paying you attention because now, you don’t wish that point of attention for anyone else. Also, with everything replaying at the back of your mind, you can’t forget that there’s that one chat which you keep going back to, no matter what the topic is. You are not as dark with your humour as your messenger hope just has been filled with. You are not well with the impromptu roasting but you just found out that you too can turn out to be quiet as unexpected. All that matters for the whole time is just to feel the long lost happiness, or rather those butterflies which you lost in the way to be a bit more adult and mature. Only because, sometimes I as a person wished to go back to my old self as much as I wished to be growing up back then. Somehow, all of this hope comes in and pushes you to the cloud nine. All I had was jumping every time I was so hopeful, was the question of losing everything again, of doubting before putting that smile on your face again.
7 May – 15 June, 2022 ( Your alter Ego says something else) : Sometimes, without realising, you start losing yourself in bits and pieces. It does not mean that you shall leave your old parts away or rather just forget them. All that keeps happening is, you get into the dilemma of ‘if’s’ and measure if the one thing you do for yourself will seem fine or not? Let’s put a question mark there as well because afterall do you have any bit of ‘you’ left in you. Just when you entered into this area of not so expected, you think and rethink and rethink all the possibilities of the step which you took. The question is, will it ever work, will you regain yourself as you lost it so unknowingly?
16 July – 2 September, 2022 ( Mind keeps hammering ) : All that you were understanding, seems vague. Manipulative treatments can make the reality deceptive of what it really is. You never understood that one thing was wrong. You never even misunderstood the person you made your closest to within months. But, why is it so that even if you know you are right, at the end of the day you sit and question yourself. Still, somewhere, keeping the last of hope that something positive might turn out for you might understand wrong stays alive. Maybe, for a few times like these you wish to be proven wrong for all your feelings.
3 September – 25 October, 2022 ( You see what it is) : Every day when those actions you didn’t ask for, start confessing to your heavy self that even if you are thinking wrong, there can be someone who wishes to give you the world. Maybe because you feel this exact thing, you fall into the trap. Trap because sometime soon you’ll tangle yourself all over, not knowing what is the reality of happenings? Things seemed to be made for you. Occasions turned out into something much beautiful like you wanted them to be. But, every time it happens, you feel if you even deserve it from them? Is this what someone close to us makes us feel like! Rather it is just the fact that you saw them in a different way. In a way that even if it’s the worst. They just are the best for you because you make them to be the one!! Somehow, October ended with lots of questions and gut feelings, which I feared would turn true. Smiling and giggling, even though I want to cry, all of those gut instincts were true.
25 October – 5 December, 2022 ( You crash down) : Sometimes, to cover things; people tend to do things which were quite suspicious of them to do before. I mean, you will understand when that slope changes. You see behaviours which aren’t quite normal, you see too much of a care which you never got before and you see you didn’t have to beg for your existence to be validated. All of this because suddenly that someone just started doing all of those things which you were fighting with him for. For a long long time but never got a clue of what the other person was up to. You see, the mistake we commit is only when there’s so much hope and effort we put in that the slightest truth tends to be unacceptable for us sometimes and that’s what happened to me. But, along with all of this happening, you are real. You stand alone with the same hope and a smile on your face when on the other side your guts, your same old instinct speaks out loud saying there’s something wrong that’s going to happen! It will and when it does you’ll be left of nowhere.
6 December – 12 January, 2022-2023 ( You break again ): You know when a month arrives, you just get this feeling that something might go wrong. But, all throughout you be this critical only to hope for a better day tomorrow. It’s different and difficult to explain what it feels like to invest your time staying awake because of someone you deeply cared for. Not romantically, because that could never happen in a normal way! All that ever happened was your care turned into a trauma. A trauma that you can never come out of. For about the first ten days of December, all I felt was the hidden box of unsaid. Still, somehow people manage to grave the same with their own way of manipulating you. All the efforts and all the best of you goes into vain when you realise that the one time you had been so much for them, they haven’t even been near to acknowledging that. The end of December marked the worst I could ever imagine. When things are dumped on you without you knowing why and even if they are doing it to you, you sit down broken, tearing your way for an answer which they never give. Maybe, people do like seeing one in so much dust and mud that letting them live is not what they wish. Just for all of the explanations and unwanted pains you received, there was one thing that went right. It was again you who went out to get what you know you deserve. Sincerely, who cares? I think no one at this point.
You break down so much that standing up for something better seems ridiculous. Hoping for something better seems meaningless and doing good and being good seems unnecessary because for whom? Humans don’t see goodness anymore. It’s all a deal you end up with against the trades and profits. Know a better way to end it if you start something which was never meant to be. January was again which brought in a lesson for you to never repeat them.
Winter feels like bruises: You cannot let them get over you , but hope for the scratch to heal. To let your emotional turmoil have a hold over being invisible But, all you recognise with the chills through your bones is that, The physical cuts have the decency to camouflage over the emotional cracks, Yet, when the realisation creeps in, You know you will go through the same tingle by your heart; That reminds you of the day, of those reckless turns and settling with the unknown. Moments when you know, Winter feels like bruises. It always did
The road was scary when he saw the shadows dancing at 6 in the evening, Little face, sweaty palms drove the kid to run away soon. ‘They come for you, when you cry’ , maniacs spoke; For all they want is to create their own parody of souls. Striking through the lanes, the fear laughed more than it ever existed, It is different and difficult for him to know what was the point of it all! A bit of fear working, the heavy breath and trembling toes, ‘The station road was haunted’, the kid pointed to his mother; She turned right and sat down with her usual comforting smile, She said , ‘The branches scare you to teach you the unknown.’ Fierce as it seems, dull as you prefer, The same old lane of thoughts and routined train horns, Do suit you up for the future unknown. The station road is the beautiful dark fate of yours, Nothing but scary , usual to be the light of a new dawn. Road by the old station was just the spark of a new journey, Beholding all that is needed to board a new train; To a new station with endless fear. To connect, to face, to a new station road!
Starting with what heart breaks mean, I can say that it is something very subjective and individual to everyone. It will be very improper to say that someone did not face a heart break at some point in their life. What matters is how you out there start coping with the fact that something is wrong. Instantly that very something is so heavy that it becomes confusing and turns into a baggage. It’s always easy to pen the feeling down like I am doing right now but how many of us can actually try expressing what they feel? That action would have saved a lot of situations which ruined ‘their’ moments. The concept is another movie seen socially. Indeed this one’s a bit different than what you watch on screen because this is you and your story.
I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.
We did feel that ache when ‘it’ hurts you right? Doesn’t mean what I have to keep sharing will only confine to relationships. People need to realise that this certain void is vast to ever get covered and recognised. Can we try? Definitely. Let’s start with what this feels like. The persuit of happiness as they say is technical. Technical in the sense that it makes you do what they think you have to rather than let you actually go with the flow. Everything takes time, even if it’s from a long time now that you are in an anxious dilemma. Healing is a slow process and heart breaks are the only best part about it. Bragging about the pain can make you heroic but forgetting the one scratch you didn’t want is certainly impossible. It is difficult to make people understand that you cannot forget what hurts you, what breaks your heart into a number of small theories and therapies for the future to experiment on. They don’t see the unseen that this going on right now is something they might see in the coming days because that’s when everything will start getting the “why’s” to the climax.
You know that when you least expect it, nature has it’s cunning way of finding your weakest spots. But to make yourself feel nothing, so as to feel nothing is a waste of time. Then there comes the moment when you’re found weeping in your room or with a smile on your face dieing inside that the choices that you make are not always about us. That is the exact part where you get the answer to your misery. Right now, there is sorrow and pain. Don’t kill it and with the joy you have felt. There’s this quote from a movie where it said, “ I know I am wise or maybe I am. I told you I know nothing. I know books and I know how to string words together. But it doesn’t mean that I know how to speak about the things that matter the most to me” and that’s it. This is the one weak point where everyone of us relate without any other query.
The pain disguised itself when the light of momentary happiness finally made its way.
Give a chance. Doesn’t matter how much and what you had to go through. This might seem cruel but isn’t that’s what this is? You get hurt, you feel the pain , the agony , the irony . But the ones who made you feel the way you feel, aren’t close enough to the suffering you faced with a smile onn. And that’s where you won. It’s not important for what and for why you had to go through the unwanted damages. What is important is to know that the moment when they left you, the time when your parents were against you, the day when your best friend abandoned you or the day when you realised that you had always been a little bit extra for people who don’t deserve it. Everything had its own kind of movie and a series of heart breaks to sink in. That is when you have to realise subconsciously that end of the day heart breaks do have their own cinemas. It’s you who has to keep working on making the movie. Just not a block buster.
This is now that you feel that no one other than you have to know what you feel and how it feels to be normal when you just aren’t close enough to it. This movie has your ending and you own it.
“We left everything on God because whenever we try to escape we come back to the same place. So it’s all his wish now..”
~ Sex Worker
This generation is the future. That’s what we keep saying ourselves and the so called society. Technically that’s very ancient saying because guess what, the modernity never came. Wether it had been the historical stories , where the kings logically “fucked” as many of the women they wanted inspite of having wives or just enjoy their authority to the fullest. The later medieval period when the British came, people started to think themselves new. But all they saw was only one more new step to bring a cheap society, today. We all seem to have washed ourselves with that permanent pinch of extra salt that ruined our mind, life, society and future. Certainly, everything comes to the ‘pleasure’. My point here today is not any basic idea analysis of planned modern future that humans are obsessed with, but with something very raw and true that we tend to confidently overlook because why not , everything comes down to the society after all.
What will you do if i talk about the idea of sex or being horny? You’re comfortable reading it out right ? It doesn’t matter and bother anymore if you are not. The adult phase of life is hell. Not because people have responsibilities and a gentle reminder to sort their career, but because they are intended to have a great sex life. Their aim to get a job is only to have money to get themselves a good sex life. Many keep it going from their early 15’s and continue fulfilling their darkest desires until they find someone to jump on next with the better version of getting laid onn. I really can’t help if that bothers you. You might as well know me , but this thing just didn’t feel right anymore.
Starting off with the introduction , which was quite the wonderful punch of direct facts , I’d like to mention one small known information here. Why do we become the unforgivable , selfish bunch of sexual hypocrites when it comes down the see the real movie?Let’s frame it again, why do we not see the other half of the same darkest desire, THE SEX WORKERS. There was this random Facebook video I was watching the other day. Sometimes you just have these triggering posts to awake your actual human dignity. It did to me.
The main discussion was about the women, lots of such abused yet dignified and most pure women who reside by GB ROAD , DELHI. Yes! They are the sex workers. The first question i had after the introduction of the first lady was, “How much money do they make? They have a good life right? ” I mean yeah, technically the whole oasis makes us see the outside painting where it just perfect for us to overlook the situation very carelessly and confidently but for how many more days can we keep on doing this ? What are they then? Aren’t they the same blood and heart humans we all are? The story further moves when my question of them being rich ended only on one answer the other women gave , “we get 25 INR from our clients”. Now imagine this sacrifice of ruining their name and putting everything at stake just for 25 INR. It all made so much sense when i understood that why was it always said that this generation will be the future. Apparently it will not be a pleasant one but who cares right? Everyone just has some part of their expectations and debts that they would like to take back from their children. The women had their children too. The small kids who were and are a part of the same future we all are looking at. But , what do they do when all they know is to hide their identity so that people don’t term them as “the children from that community”.
They sell their bodies for some horny adult men. They do get ready and decked up for those demons who come pay and feed on their body to calm their inner thirsty demons. And here, in some perfect real world as we suggest it to be , the teenagers are taking “sex” to be their cool obsession they flirt with quiet often now. The children had to work for their own money. What is insurance or a bank for them? Nothing. They don’t have enough money to save in for future because do they even have one? The women are trafficked from big cities and states like Bengal, Nepal etc when they were offered with the chai and Parle-G biscuits . Little did they know that that helpful gesture by the ‘Nyka’ as they call the leader , was a plan to ruin them in disguise.
It breaks my heart to say that this topic is such intimate and intense that I shall go on speaking about this for hours but how much even can you read. Only a few more words to say. In the interview, all they wished for was to give their kids a good future where it is enough if they even start their own small shop and earn some clean money.
Do you get me now? This is very wierd and so not good when I say that my whole point was that we could not be enough humans. There is this hierarchy of people who maintain their own classes to live their own life. Why can’t we be there for people in the RED LIGHT AREAS in our own cities and atleast try to make them feel better. That they are also the part of this same society the others are a part of. Where one side sex is a cool idea of your orgasms working and being in action. On the other hand, we see sex to be dirty because they do it unwillingly for money. Indeed, the society is the hypocrite.
Hello There 