The Quest

Quest for what? Certainly, we all do have a few things going on in our minds. Always. Sometimes, we do confront what’s there and sometimes we just decide to not face the whole working of your mind construction. Although, it is a wrecked construction site ; it feels like one in one way or the other. So, the quest for what exactly?

‘How many more?’

So far, I’ve understood the working of human minds in such a way that it somehow becomes more personal and perceptive but again, a more global exposure of what the other dozen of people think. Maybe, they do have a similar opinion on this topic, as me. Now, for me, the quest begins on understanding. Understanding and the act of understanding are different yet interrelated to the same branch of figuring out things which seem impossible to be figured out. Doesn’t make much sense here, for you might just keep pointing out at the quest. The quest here, is exactly based on the act of understanding.

This goes on and on for there is something that keeps bothering you. Maybe, at the end of the day, you crave for it. For the understanding of why you are the way you are. But, then, do they know the ‘why?’ It kills me to go through the process over and over again because how much more? Adulting should not be difficult. It can be different, right? Yet, even if you make so many wishes for that one understanding, it does not seem to be choosing you so much. Is there any fault of mine to think, if this quest even wants me enough on board with it!

Penning down what you feel is more like the sunset on a cloudy day. You wait for 10 minutes, when the sky will all be clear and there you are glancing at the empty canvas and watching it take over a million reasons to be so beautiful. Isn’t your life the same? At least I think so. Last year, there was a man whom I thought was the one for me. I thought maybe now I got a friend who would understand the way I am. The way I prefer to be. But, eventually, all of those expectations seemed to vanish because a question arose from all the moments of light, “Why are you this way? You don’t have to be like this.” Accepting it was skeptical because I never knew what to do with that statement. After all, how can someone I met just months ago, question me for who I am! No. This was not something I wanted for this quest of mine.

Me? Me.

It remains this way for a long time. Rather, that it will remain the same for a long term. If you ask me what this means, I would describe it to be an ever changing temporary season, which has its own beauty. It brings about the changes, the allegations, the question, the tears, the urge to pen it down and the will to give up. There cannot be a single person who can understand you, except you. People, your friends, your best friend and the closest one in your work place or college, are all mere characters for your self-understanding.

Everyone knows a different version of you. You are different when you are at a cafe, you are different when you are at home, you are again different when you meet your school friends and you are definitely different when you meet your best friend. Each of them understands you for yourself. But, at the end of the day, maybe you will never be getting that attention over your rawness. After all, does anyone ever really try reading you anyway? I guess, you are used to moulding yourself, based on what they would want you to be for them. This quest never ends.

© Trayee

Heart Breaks : Movie we own

Cinematic Damage

~ Before Sunrise ( 1995)

Starting with what heart breaks mean, I can say that it is something very subjective and individual to everyone. It will be very improper to say that someone did not face a heart break at some point in their life. What matters is how you out there start coping with the fact that something is wrong. Instantly that very something is so heavy that it becomes confusing and turns into a baggage. It’s always easy to pen the feeling down like I am doing right now but how many of us can actually try expressing what they feel? That action would have saved a lot of situations which ruined ‘their’ moments. The concept is another movie seen socially. Indeed this one’s a bit different than what you watch on screen because this is you and your story.

I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.

We did feel that ache when ‘it’ hurts you right? Doesn’t mean what I have to keep sharing will only confine to relationships. People need to realise that this certain void is vast to ever get covered and recognised. Can we try? Definitely. Let’s start with what this feels like. The persuit of happiness as they say is technical. Technical in the sense that it makes you do what they think you have to rather than let you actually go with the flow. Everything takes time, even if it’s from a long time now that you are in an anxious dilemma. Healing is a slow process and heart breaks are the only best part about it. Bragging about the pain can make you heroic but forgetting the one scratch you didn’t want is certainly impossible. It is difficult to make people understand that you cannot forget what hurts you, what breaks your heart into a number of small theories and therapies for the future to experiment on. They don’t see the unseen that this going on right now is something they might see in the coming days because that’s when everything will start getting the “why’s” to the climax.

You know that when you least expect it, nature has it’s cunning way of finding your weakest spots. But to make yourself feel nothing, so as to feel nothing is a waste of time. Then there comes the moment when you’re found weeping in your room or with a smile on your face dieing inside that the choices that you make are not always about us. That is the exact part where you get the answer to your misery. Right now, there is sorrow and pain. Don’t kill it and with the joy you have felt. There’s this quote from a movie where it said, “ I know I am wise or maybe I am. I told you I know nothing. I know books and I know how to string words together. But it doesn’t mean that I know how to speak about the things that matter the most to me” and that’s it. This is the one weak point where everyone of us relate without any other query.

The pain disguised itself when the light of momentary happiness finally made its way.

Give a chance. Doesn’t matter how much and what you had to go through. This might seem cruel but isn’t that’s what this is? You get hurt, you feel the pain , the agony , the irony . But the ones who made you feel the way you feel, aren’t close enough to the suffering you faced with a smile onn. And that’s where you won. It’s not important for what and for why you had to go through the unwanted damages. What is important is to know that the moment when they left you, the time when your parents were against you, the day when your best friend abandoned you or the day when you realised that you had always been a little bit extra for people who don’t deserve it. Everything had its own kind of movie and a series of heart breaks to sink in. That is when you have to realise subconsciously that end of the day heart breaks do have their own cinemas. It’s you who has to keep working on making the movie. Just not a block buster.

This is now that you feel that no one other than you have to know what you feel and how it feels to be normal when you just aren’t close enough to it. This movie has your ending and you own it.

© Trayee

trayeesarkar16@gmail.com

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There’s this betrayal:

It is this one song sometimes and sometimes the silence which really does speak to me. It says…i don’t know what but it does not feel good. I had always been much more than what I should have been. Extra for the one I loved maybe. Everything was very normal until she was clean, comforted in her old tune of loving him because there was this peace. Can’t be explained how much of a surreal feeling that “was”. I can’t switch the past tense with this monotonous present. Can’t do it anymore because now, I am guilty too.

Loving someone is a tough execution. All you want to do for the rest of your life is just to keep them close, real close , all perfectly fine and knitted. But, suddenly there is this regret. The regret that i did not understand how that perfect feeling turned into a sense of unnecessary insecurity. Doubts. The first few months were exactly what they dream it would have been for them. I never felt the same with anyone else. It did not take much time for me to understand how much one single person can mean.

When you left, it was and is still the same. Broken, missing and something doesn’t feel right with people around me. The connection is lost. You know I always used to blame you for committing to certain decisions which had been wrong. But in the long run i skipped my part. The part which was wrong. The part which could have been avoided. The one ridiculous part of our time. Admitting to those when you lost him already is the worst punishment one gets. Trust me, it is.

Maybe keeping you was so necessary for me that i got scared. To loose you forever for some unknown reason that might walk into our lives. Protection from the unknown became so important that i felt i was loosing you. Guess eventually I did anyway. It was all again the same gut feeling which spoke to me days before but i just did not lend my ear to the warning. Over caring does make you loose someone huh?

Today, i cannot say you anything. Cannot go and blame you. Cannot speak up to you because even if you were wrong somewhere somehow, i was wrong before you . I was insecured before you. I was committing the event already. The difference occured when you left and I still kept hanging without any intention of what happened. But it’s okay right? I mean, you are successful. You left and never bothered to try once again. That’s where i get hurt. All this for someone , being the guilty one and not even a last try?

Yes, i do miss you a lot. A lot that i ever spoke and a lot that you ever let me speak. I feel that this feeling wasn’t worthy. You made me feel so. But what to do when you love someone. I know what you did, i don’t know why? But i know that I HAD BEEN BETRAYING THE TRUST LONG BEFORE. I had been loosing you already. For that I can never be out of this trip and tripping over the one mistake i make.