It is this one song sometimes and sometimes the silence which really does speak to me. It says…i don’t know what but it does not feel good. I had always been much more than what I should have been. Extra for the one I loved maybe. Everything was very normal until she was clean, comforted in her old tune of loving him because there was this peace. Can’t be explained how much of a surreal feeling that “was”. I can’t switch the past tense with this monotonous present. Can’t do it anymore because now, I am guilty too.
Loving someone is a tough execution. All you want to do for the rest of your life is just to keep them close, real close , all perfectly fine and knitted. But, suddenly there is this regret. The regret that i did not understand how that perfect feeling turned into a sense of unnecessary insecurity. Doubts. The first few months were exactly what they dream it would have been for them. I never felt the same with anyone else. It did not take much time for me to understand how much one single person can mean.
When you left, it was and is still the same. Broken, missing and something doesn’t feel right with people around me. The connection is lost. You know I always used to blame you for committing to certain decisions which had been wrong. But in the long run i skipped my part. The part which was wrong. The part which could have been avoided. The one ridiculous part of our time. Admitting to those when you lost him already is the worst punishment one gets. Trust me, it is.
Maybe keeping you was so necessary for me that i got scared. To loose you forever for some unknown reason that might walk into our lives. Protection from the unknown became so important that i felt i was loosing you. Guess eventually I did anyway. It was all again the same gut feeling which spoke to me days before but i just did not lend my ear to the warning. Over caring does make you loose someone huh?
Today, i cannot say you anything. Cannot go and blame you. Cannot speak up to you because even if you were wrong somewhere somehow, i was wrong before you . I was insecured before you. I was committing the event already. The difference occured when you left and I still kept hanging without any intention of what happened. But it’s okay right? I mean, you are successful. You left and never bothered to try once again. That’s where i get hurt. All this for someone , being the guilty one and not even a last try?
Yes, i do miss you a lot. A lot that i ever spoke and a lot that you ever let me speak. I feel that this feeling wasn’t worthy. You made me feel so. But what to do when you love someone. I know what you did, i don’t know why? But i know that I HAD BEEN BETRAYING THE TRUST LONG BEFORE. I had been loosing you already. For that I can never be out of this trip and tripping over the one mistake i make.
Hello There 