A little sunshine doesn’t add up to the permanent day of brightness. Maybe, this time my life is one. I still don’t know, how to put everything together. It has all been that heavy, for me to burst out crying every now and then. If that is what you call to give time to yourself? At least a thousand times, in a thousand different ways, I was being suggested to ‘cry my heart out’, because that helps. Maybe, it helped a lot more people like me. But, never really did to me. You know, that is the saddest part of owning yourself, where owning doesn’t feel the same as it used to earlier.
I kept on losing myself for a long time now. One day when I lost the most beautiful person of my life in a place where I realised, I didn’t talk to her for one last time. She was all. She was my grandma. When that happened, I experienced what being broken within seconds feels like. I had no words to describe the numbness and the pain all twisted with the cries that were shouting within but couldn’t come out of my chest. I thought at that point, only the person I love would be there. But, when do expectations work? If it did for you, I am happy because it never did for me. Being hopeful didn’t bring me any new glance of hope.
I was shattered into a million pieces, only to come up together with a lot of scratches which would never heal. Sometimes, you know that you don’t have any option to give up because you are too fucked up for that. Giving up on life might not be an option for you. For me. My mother was the only thing I held on. It was the same yesterday, it is the same today. It will be the same tomorrow. Blogging is the only way out for me in life. Humans don’t seem to understand the 4 AM silence and tears. Day by day it is increasing. For one and a half years I was shattered by the unknown, suffering because of someone doing nothing but caring and pouring in effort. Coming out of it brought a new person in front.
However, being real and strong, unfiltered left me with a bunch of accusations. For three years now, I have been holding on to the grudge of being honest and deep. The end of the 9th month was nothing but misery for me. You see, it takes time for you to come out of a ‘trauma’ handling everything and putting up a face. I did not have access to therapy because you will say, ‘get professional help’. But how much can I let go and learn to let go? I lost myself in the process. Once, when all of this comes crashing down, there is no way out than accept that you need help. I told my mom about what was going on because I tried killing myself but couldn’t. This time, was the last time I could have let her know what was going on. I did. But, maybe death is the ultimate thing that shakes you up, until there’s no value for what you feel.
The start of 2023 was not good. I had to put up a face that was never happy in the last 3 years. Reason being, that nobody apart from yourself would understand the why! You know the funniest part? You seem to be hopeful yet again. You deny recognising the same actions because you think now, this time, you can change things for yourself. But, there I was shattered again. The last bit of what was keeping me updated of life and everyday pain, was gone. It’s all that’s gone, for I don’t have anything to hold on to. Then why am I still breathing for the unknown. Why am I again waiting for this cycle to repeat and snatch me from myself.
“Lightning doesn’t often struck twice, it’s a once in a lifetime thing, even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually, the pain will go away, the shock will wear off and you start to feel yourself to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favour. If you’re in just the right place in just the right time, you can take a hell of a hit. And still have a shot at surviving. ”
~ Grey’s Anatomy, Season 7 ( Ep: 2)
– Trayee Sarkar
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