Every time, feelings don’t come to you. It did not to me either. It was around January 3rd when he texted me saying, “Your profile seems aesthetic, can we date?”The stranger did not know that when he texted me asking the very wanted question, I was crying my heart out because yet again I was broken. You know there is a certain kind of peace when you pen something down, registering yourself into the moment. The same happened with me. Rather it still does when I write my journal here.
He did not have any idea of the time when he decided to enter into my life. Maybe while I was running back and forth the missed calls and help from my best friend and closed ones, somewhere him not knowing a lot of things provided a sense of weird comfort. At least not knowing, just by a profile a person wishes to know you more or maybe that is what I felt it meant. After all, being hopeful and clear, filled with expectations that this time it won’t hurt because what can be worse than what just happened right? As long as I wish to mention his name here, I wonder the bad turn it might take because he might not understand why I am writing all about him, middle of the dawn. Ranting, crying and playing the most favourite song of mine.
It was very difficult for me to put up a normal face, smile and carry on with my daily life. Among all of those, HE became my space to rest. To be at the halt even if it’s for a minute. I forgot that among the chaos I had to keep my mind clear. But, I didn’t. Risks should be taken right? Right. I don’t really have much faith in that statement. Although, all I did for 7 months was to rely on hope and to know someone. Even if it was just once in 3 days or once in a day. I waited. I was there, probably because that is what I expected him to do. If not him, I can be there. As easy as it sounds, it’s that painful. I knew it was painful when I had tears for a person I barely know. For someone, who didn’t deserve a panic attack for everything he did.
Why is he my muse then? My friend once asked me, “Did you love him?” I don’t know what I actually felt for him. But a hope was there. He was a different person, and he might have his choices. Will it be too difficult for me to go against it and start thinking about a casual bonding over time, just like he thought about me. It is not too difficult to be real. Maybe, to try to be one? After everything I went through last year, I didn’t have any such expectations for anyone to treat me right. But you know the feeling where you just can’t stop being nice because you don’t want them to get the ruins. Like I did. How could I have behaved the same way as he did?
All throughout the months we never met and had only chats running through the personal window, I had an idea to which way this was going. I never wanted to believe that though. I don’t know if anyone else ever thought this about you but I believed you to be a better person than what you showed. Then what you ever could discover. Maybe, I should have stopped but more than being friends or just strangers sometimes those chats and closeness let you see what they can’t see. To answer my friend’s question, I came back to her and said, “You know because of what I earlier faced, I longed for something subtle. Something which would be just peace. Even if it won’t stay or it is not permanent. I wanted to love the person he was, I wanted to be enough for someone at least for once. ”
I never got the space to love him more. Whenever I tried talking more, he ghosted. After a couple of times, it started hurting. It’s different and beautiful at the same time. Probably only because I am a writer, I could restrict myself from sending those instincts I had penned down in my notes. The funny thing is when we chatted for one last time, you told me “You should have just stopped talking to me. Why didn’t you?” I can’t ever explain the pain you gave me that time. I can’t. If only you had an idea of who I was, you never would have told that. But, it was just me making an effort to just let it be as it was and know you as a person. Not you.
Probably that was the reason that I broke down in front of you. I made a fool out of myself. More because this never happened with anyone else where my life has just been broken for a long time now. You did not need to care for what happened after that or before. But, maybe after sharing every bit of detail to what exactly can hurt me and break me again. I never thought of getting the same from you. When I did, engulfing it was impossible. I didn’t feel like I was a human being. I felt like I was being used as a personal diary or another count in your number of dates in the 20’s. That hurts.
D, if you ever want to be a better person, just know that you can. You will if you make it your choice. Giving up is easy but trying is not impossible. I still think you are a good person but somehow ending up in the loop of being cool and not accepting yourself is what drives you away from what you deserve. Maybe, I loved you. But, all of this coming from you affected me in a way I never expected. Sometimes you don’t have to be lovers. I think I had enough smiles and eye contacts to say that even if I want to hate you, I can’t. But, just expect you to take that chance and text. Go ahead and let it happen, not being so careless for once.
You never understood me, even when you said ‘I understand. ’ You hurt me the most when you said ‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’ For me? I don’t have anything else to say to you because maybe I just handed myself over to you and the time when I was the weakest. Today, staying connected to you on social media still bothers me. Somehow I am in this dilemma of going away from this contact because you don’t care and still facing it because you don’t care. It didn’t sound easy right? It isn’t. I don’t wish this upon anyone but it’s cruel to let someone write it in a blog than the person. Even when they exist.
You are my muse, and maybe writing about you while you don’t know about it would help me come out of the suffering. But, is it that easy? A no again. D, you’re a king. As much as I wanted to be there for you, you didn’t let me. Probably someone else is to be there and I have no problem but when you didn’t have any right to be there for me as well, why did you break me into pieces which I can’t put back together. When you are my muse today, it still feels blank. It’s 4:24 A.M and it’s still all pointless. You never learned to be there because being there isn’t asking, if I’m okay just for a day.
They said , when he knows what might finish you and still decides to do that, it’s not to be forgiven. I am not a person who would forgive easily or forget. Maybe that is the reason for most of my pain but somehow remembering everything makes you numb. This numbness is an addiction for me. I won’t be able to open up again. To any stranger who might text me with good intentions and I am helpless. I don’t know how you are but I hope you find your best interests in being a good stranger in someone’s life.
I check your name a thousand times, only for me to keep you there when you don’t want to be there. Rather, I have no idea what you actually want. Anyway, probably sinking into the favourite lyrics, made me turn you into a muse. I hope in eternity, you will respect that. For more pain shall be penned even when it’s a new year.
With tears,
T
Hello There 