28 March, 2022 ( The door) : Sometimes, what you don’t expect knocks on the door unexpectedly. It does not come invited but when it steps in, all you feel is that filled heart which says, ‘Yes! You did deserve something good too. Why did you spend all those nights crying so much that you couldn’t breathe? Are you happy now? Anyway answering that is still not the first priority you have, because for the first time in a long run, you got that face full of smiles back because ‘someone special’ might have just stepped into your life. Maybe a text over messenger, which you did not quite use but only fortunately replied to that one text, made you all hopeful again. You did not think you would keep replying to someone after ghosting everyone who wanted you. Did you?
29 March – 6 May, 2022 ( When I was on cloud nine) : All the while, there is that one hesitation that keeps warning you. There’s never something right or rather right is not something you can ever face properly. You expect to be comforted by the peace, the silence, more than humans paying you attention because now, you don’t wish that point of attention for anyone else. Also, with everything replaying at the back of your mind, you can’t forget that there’s that one chat which you keep going back to, no matter what the topic is. You are not as dark with your humour as your messenger hope just has been filled with. You are not well with the impromptu roasting but you just found out that you too can turn out to be quiet as unexpected. All that matters for the whole time is just to feel the long lost happiness, or rather those butterflies which you lost in the way to be a bit more adult and mature. Only because, sometimes I as a person wished to go back to my old self as much as I wished to be growing up back then. Somehow, all of this hope comes in and pushes you to the cloud nine. All I had was jumping every time I was so hopeful, was the question of losing everything again, of doubting before putting that smile on your face again.
7 May – 15 June, 2022 ( Your alter Ego says something else) : Sometimes, without realising, you start losing yourself in bits and pieces. It does not mean that you shall leave your old parts away or rather just forget them. All that keeps happening is, you get into the dilemma of ‘if’s’ and measure if the one thing you do for yourself will seem fine or not? Let’s put a question mark there as well because afterall do you have any bit of ‘you’ left in you. Just when you entered into this area of not so expected, you think and rethink and rethink all the possibilities of the step which you took. The question is, will it ever work, will you regain yourself as you lost it so unknowingly?
16 July – 2 September, 2022 ( Mind keeps hammering ) : All that you were understanding, seems vague. Manipulative treatments can make the reality deceptive of what it really is. You never understood that one thing was wrong. You never even misunderstood the person you made your closest to within months. But, why is it so that even if you know you are right, at the end of the day you sit and question yourself. Still, somewhere, keeping the last of hope that something positive might turn out for you might understand wrong stays alive. Maybe, for a few times like these you wish to be proven wrong for all your feelings.
3 September – 25 October, 2022 ( You see what it is) : Every day when those actions you didn’t ask for, start confessing to your heavy self that even if you are thinking wrong, there can be someone who wishes to give you the world. Maybe because you feel this exact thing, you fall into the trap. Trap because sometime soon you’ll tangle yourself all over, not knowing what is the reality of happenings? Things seemed to be made for you. Occasions turned out into something much beautiful like you wanted them to be. But, every time it happens, you feel if you even deserve it from them? Is this what someone close to us makes us feel like! Rather it is just the fact that you saw them in a different way. In a way that even if it’s the worst. They just are the best for you because you make them to be the one!! Somehow, October ended with lots of questions and gut feelings, which I feared would turn true. Smiling and giggling, even though I want to cry, all of those gut instincts were true.
25 October – 5 December, 2022 ( You crash down) : Sometimes, to cover things; people tend to do things which were quite suspicious of them to do before. I mean, you will understand when that slope changes. You see behaviours which aren’t quite normal, you see too much of a care which you never got before and you see you didn’t have to beg for your existence to be validated. All of this because suddenly that someone just started doing all of those things which you were fighting with him for. For a long long time but never got a clue of what the other person was up to. You see, the mistake we commit is only when there’s so much hope and effort we put in that the slightest truth tends to be unacceptable for us sometimes and that’s what happened to me. But, along with all of this happening, you are real. You stand alone with the same hope and a smile on your face when on the other side your guts, your same old instinct speaks out loud saying there’s something wrong that’s going to happen! It will and when it does you’ll be left of nowhere.
6 December – 12 January, 2022-2023 ( You break again ): You know when a month arrives, you just get this feeling that something might go wrong. But, all throughout you be this critical only to hope for a better day tomorrow. It’s different and difficult to explain what it feels like to invest your time staying awake because of someone you deeply cared for. Not romantically, because that could never happen in a normal way! All that ever happened was your care turned into a trauma. A trauma that you can never come out of. For about the first ten days of December, all I felt was the hidden box of unsaid. Still, somehow people manage to grave the same with their own way of manipulating you. All the efforts and all the best of you goes into vain when you realise that the one time you had been so much for them, they haven’t even been near to acknowledging that. The end of December marked the worst I could ever imagine. When things are dumped on you without you knowing why and even if they are doing it to you, you sit down broken, tearing your way for an answer which they never give. Maybe, people do like seeing one in so much dust and mud that letting them live is not what they wish. Just for all of the explanations and unwanted pains you received, there was one thing that went right. It was again you who went out to get what you know you deserve. Sincerely, who cares? I think no one at this point.
You break down so much that standing up for something better seems ridiculous. Hoping for something better seems meaningless and doing good and being good seems unnecessary because for whom? Humans don’t see goodness anymore. It’s all a deal you end up with against the trades and profits. Know a better way to end it if you start something which was never meant to be. January was again which brought in a lesson for you to never repeat them.
©Trayee
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